The Gift of Forgiveness

Carol Harper

For many years, I had been told that my [ex-] husband’s first and second wives were b…well, let’s just say they weren’t very nice. The first wife I didn’t know very well; my husband was estranged from both her and their daughter. However, there were many occasions where the second wife was able to prove just how vindictive she could be. At least, that’s how it appeared.

Because of what came through my husband’s filter, my own experiences with her, and chatting with friends who had been through the same with their spouses’ exes, I came to stereotype them. After all, when you live with someone long enough and go through years of validating negative experiences, stories develop into what can be perceived as fact. But what is the truth, when every story has many sides? I was blinded by one.

A few years ago, wife number two was going through some difficulties – another divorce, several moves from place to place. Perhaps the most stressful of all was that her sons (my step-sons) had been in and out of jail and rehab. Her special needs son had slipped through the cracks of the court system, and she was alone in her fight. She pled for help from their father. He did not help; in fact, most of the time, he either ignored her pleas or occasionally tossed her a bone in order to appear as if he cared. She went to her church and pled with her pastor. Not only did the church not help, they judged and scorned her. She dutifully and meticulously worked as best she could with caseworkers, attorneys, and judges. They did not help her; instead, they saw the opportunity for her son’s case to be an indiscernible revenue-producing “cash cow” in the judicial processing machine—a case that would, like so many others, last over the course of three years at unnecessary [taxpayer] expense.

“A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves,

which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

And by chance there came down a certain priest that way

and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him,

and passed by on the other side…”

Luke 10: 30-32, KJV

My husband told me bits and pieces of his ex-wife’s plight (through the usual filter), but since he had been invariably absent throughout much of his sons’ lives, and knowing my place as stepmother—there still was no stereotype in the world that could cover the fact that she was the mother of his children, and that, if it were my own kids, I’d fight like a mother, too.

So one day I wrote her an e-mail and reached out to her. I acknowledged the conflicts of the past, told her I was most likely “the last person you want to hear from right now”…but I expressed my concern for her, offered my prayers and support, and asked how I could help. What happened next could be considered a miracle by many: she wrote back, profusely thanking me, apologizing to me for the disputes and discord between us through the years. I replied that it was all water under the bridge; the past is the past; we cannot change it, let’s move forward. From that moment, a wonderful communication began between us, and Kelly became one of my closest friends.

“Ye have heard that it hath been said,

Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies,

Bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you,

And pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you…”

Matthew 5:43-44, KJV

Because of stereotypes, I believed that I was hated, cursed, spitefully used and persecuted. Even though I had experienced her spite first-hand, there was an entire side to Kelly that I never saw, never wanted to see, nor was allowed to see—a side that revealed a completely different person than what I was led to believe: A mother who had raised two beautiful, talented boys and several foster children—many times on her own, with no help. A former nurse, who loved her job and loved to help people. A woman whose heart had been broken more than once, whose spirit had been weighed down and nearly crushed by those who “passed by on the other side”, even by those she thought were friends. A person who had been robbed her of her children, her home, her livelihood, her pride.

“ But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was:

and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine,

and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.”

Luke 10: 33-34, KJV

I remember the day that I was born again. God already knew every side of my story—past, present and future. God knew Kelly’s story, too. There are many re-births and “a-ha” moments of amazing grace that can cause the blind to see and begin new life, new chapters. Even if she hadn’t apologized, I can honestly say that Kelly was never my enemy—but she wasn’t exactly my neighbor, either. It just so happened that one day I realized that I had been blind to who she was—a devoted wife and mother, the compassionate nurse, the person that was going through hell in a messed up court system, the woman with a heart—and ultimately, a life-long friend. Regardless of my feelings or past beliefs about her, I didn’t know her. I had wrongly judged her. If anyone needed to apologize and ask forgiveness, it was me.

Why did Jesus tell us to love our enemies? Why did he tell us to forgive not just seven times, but seventy times seven? (Matt. 18: 21-22) Why did he teach us to pray: “…and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us…” ? (Luke 11:4) All I know is that the gift of forgiveness wrought about a friendship that could probably never have existed otherwise. Loving our friends is easy, our neighbors, maybe not quite so easy. Our enemies? Could we forgive debts and debtors? Could we forgive those who “trespass against us” ? Can we claim that we walk in the steps of Jesus if we don’t?

How much do we really know about a person? Besides Judas who betrayed him, those who accused, judged, sentenced and executed Jesus didn’t hang out with his crowd, nor did they approve of those he did hang out with. They didn’t believe his teachings or politics, didn’t approve of his transient lifestyle. They weren’t present when he preached on a mountain, in a boat, in a Pharisee’s house, at Jacob’s well. They didn’t believe he was who he said he was, or in his miracles—even the ones that were done right in front of their eyes.

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Luke 23:34 KJV

The world still doesn’t know. Still today, even professing Christians pass by on the other side and would rather believe the bishops, priests and pastors, or the church and community gossip. Leaders, politicians and public figures would rather see how they can line their pockets and benefit from “cash cows”—whether it ruins lives or not—rather than to take the time to find out the facts of a case, or the different sides to a story.

Love is an action. So is hate. Until we can actually get to the point where we do “know what we do”, there will continue to be plenty of people on the sides of proverbial Jericho roads, awaiting our compassion. Maybe it’s an ex-spouse. Maybe it’s that prodigal son or daughter, or that estranged family member or friend that you haven’t talked to because of a disagreement or misunderstanding. Perhaps they are names of those you’ve heard in gossip rings. Maybe they are hungry, thirsty and homeless, and need food, water and shelter. Maybe they’re sick, in rehab, in the county jail or in prison and need to be visited (Matthew 25: 35-40). Or maybe they’re just lonely and hurt, and need a friend to talk to. How many times have we passed by on the other side and avoided such?

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?

The expert in the law replied,” The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

Luke 10:36-37 KJV